понедельник, 20 октября 2008 г.

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I didnapos;t get a chance to mention this, but while I was at my brothers he let me go through his old photos. I now have pictures of Pepsi, my first cat, Mittens, my second cat that was put down 2 months before I moved in here. Pictures of my dad and me and Kath Shawn when we were MUCH younger, and Pictures of Me Rob at our wedding.

He let me have a bunch, and then I have another group that I need to scan and send back to him. So yah, lots of old photos.

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суббота, 18 октября 2008 г.

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I finally talked to him yesterday. Got the answer I didnapos;t want, but needed to hear. I donapos;t exactly know what Iapos;m feeling currently, itapos;s a mixture of relief, bitterness, sadness, contentment and a smidge of anger. Also, a mild degree of pride for how far I pushed myself out of my standard behavior. I actually aggresively pursued this one, and followed through on my need to talk, both of which were recockulously difficult for me. Theyapos;ve also led to another new thing for me. Rejection. Iapos;ve never really experienced it in the relationship sense. Iapos;m not usually the aggressor and the few other times I have, they ended up working out. It also occurs to me that Iapos;veonly really ever rejected 1 person.

This is the point where I attempt to weather the oncoming monsoon of self-deprecation and loathing. The usual, "Iapos;ll never find anyone" "No one could ever like me" "Iapos;m an ugly boring person, why would anyone want to like me"...yeah, stupid shit.

But still, my depression is leaving me alone. I am very much decidedly happy about that at least, it feels nice to be sad about something in particular versus a general resentment of everything.

I still want to be friends with him, and I honestly am only very barely actually mad at him, and thatapos;s for something mostly unrelated.

This post has been all over the place, Iapos;m sorry that you sat through this clusterfuck of a pileup of about 50 derailed trains of thought.

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Drives me crazy when people donapos;t txt back quickly. Am i impatient or do i have nothing better to do than to wait around for them to get back to me? you know who you are.�
today has been pretty good. My head is clear-ish and i feel i know what i want now.�
my foot is still itching like crazy, stupid wasp sting. At least we found the nest, so that should solve the problem, haha.
i better go to sleep because i have to be up early ish to meet martha.

xoxo

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пятница, 17 октября 2008 г.

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I prefer to call it apos;marijuanaapos;, because a weed to me is a pesky kind of plant that feeds off of other plants for nutrients. You pull out weeds all the time in your garden. Why would you smoke apos;em? Seriously. I donapos;t smoke my weeds after pulling them out. Thatapos;s a real addict right there. If he canapos;t get his share of real weed, heapos;ll smoke actual weeds.

.... I smelled weed a lot growing up. ;)

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Thereapos;s a brain dump of EPIC proportions working itapos;s way out this weekend, I hope (and does that sound as GROSS as it sounds to me?)

But in the meantime, allow me to share a conversation I had with my five year old niece. Who is Blonde and Blue Eyed. Just keep a picture of a cherub like that in your head.

Me: So What are you going to be for Halloween?
N: Idunnno.
Me: Well are you thinking about being a witch again? (last years was black and pink striped and CUTE AS ALL GET OUT.)
N: I think I want to be Evil.
Me: Evil? well, like what?
N: *shrugs* I dunno - Evil.
Me: There are lots of things that are Evil, you should narrow down what you want.
N: Like Blood.
Me: Blood?
N: Yeah, Blood is Evil.
Me: It is? I donapos;t think so, itapos;s more of an Accessory to Evil.
N: *shakes head vigorously* No blood is evil. *nods knowingly*

Awww, the Evil apple doesnapos;t really fall that far from the Evil tree.

Said niece is in town, with the Root of All Evil (Teh Sister) who is going to a family wedding with FABF which I was NOT invited to. Yes we share the same family. No Iapos;m not upset. Although the idea of getting royally tanked and taking intellictual pot-shots at the Sperm Donor is pleasing. (Oh, did I mention my father will be there? Itapos;s his family, but I havenapos;t kissed enough butt, so Iapos;m not really welcome, and they "tried" and itapos;s not their fault. Besides, Iapos;m just like my mother. Do I need to even COUNT the number of ways thatapos;s offensive to me? Needless to say, Iapos;m doing them the favor, because that level of destruction should be contained to war and combat only. *snerk*

Iapos;ve volunteered to take her Costume Shopping, because after all, who knows evil better than I? Iapos;m REALLY pushing Maleficent, because, Ok _I_ want an Maleficent costume, and Iapos;m pushing that onto a five year old. I COULD just do her up as an evil goffick dolly, with stripey tights and big pigtails (A la some of the old ManRay crew) but I think her mother (and mine) might FREAK the hell out. Sister is voting for "Cute sparkly fairy" but THANKFULLY, sheapos;s already vetoed that idea. I think thereapos;s plenty of time for fairies when sheapos;s not so cute, and needs the oomph, but right now itapos;s time for EVIL.

Besides - I canapos;t really resist dressing her up as a Dragon Queen, now can I? *lol*

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Cass and I braved the 1st day of the Megamall sale... Absolutely crazy place. We left at around 945 and ended up finding a parking spot more than an hour later. CRAZY And I didnapos;t even get to buy much. Iapos;d expect that for all that driving and honking and traffic and shitty facilities layout planning (yes, POM finally made sense in this light), Iapos;d at least make some decent last-minute purchases but blaaaaaaaaaaaah. Ayoko na. Less money spent shopping means more spendable cash for the trip.

I�leave in a couple of hours for the airport. Iapos;m a bit nervous actually. Iapos;ve been pressuring myself to make this trip the BEST. DAMN. TRIP. EVER. Because this is the last break for my entire frigginapos; life and I�donapos;t want to spend half of it biting Ryanapos;s head off. Traveling brings out the bitch in you, and with the itinerary that we planned out for our 2 weeks... Well itapos;s a bit crazy to say the least. Weapos;re basically trying to backpack through the entire frigginapos; country (I expect much of my money to be spent on the train rides. Which is why we agreed to survive on vendo machines, cheap ramen houses and takoyaki stands. We plan to spend our nights in manga cafes. Haha). One week spent up north,o ne week down south. I even applied some ruddy OR heuristic thing on the optimal shortest-path, least-cost route we should take. Ugh. At least ME is bearing fruit now....

So I really hope we survive this thing with our sanity intact. And that we wonapos;t get lost. But thatapos;s pretty much a given. At the very least he already speaks better Japanese that me. OMG coffee.... Basta may coffee sa vendo..... >_<
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My schedule is really really busy right now.
Tuesday 14 - Game
Wednesday 15 - Driverapos;s Ed
Thursday 16 - Game
Friday 17 - Work 4-11
Saturday - Ultimate 8-4, Kumon 11-1, Work 7-11
Sunday - Ultimate 8-4, Work 5-11

Well, I gotta cut that Sudnay shift in half, and fix my pay cheque. I worked 11 hours, not 7 hours. So I gotta fix that somehow. I didnt keep the time receipt thing, so that might be a problem. Hopefully Iapos;m justified. Gotta look forward. Look forward.

Oh, Iapos;m so excited for the Twilight�Movie now The soundtrack aws announced on the 6th, and so far, on�the website, thereapos;s Decode by Paramore and Full Moon by someone else. There are two new Paramore songs on there And a Robert Pattinson song: Never Think. And Bellaapos;s Lullaby is on there, too I am soooo going to get that soundtrack on Nov 4th. I really like Decode

I really want to see Nick and Norahapos;s Playlist Toto said it was amazing. But I need to find someone to go with But I have no time...

Also, I started writing again. Its about Jelena (Yelena) Rosabel Fenton (And there is Maia Anabel Fenton, her sister, two years older, Yelena and Marelda, the two maids, Nei. And there are spies, for a lack of better word. Six of them, with one leader/apprentice teacher guy. And one of them have a special inside job, which is Ke En, which means swift fighter, and has keen wit and eyes. And, oh look, he coinsidentally is the apprentice spy with the special job, and during that special job, he meets Jelena. And... Yeah. :) Hopefully you know what I�mean. ;d

I read the Shadow�Kiss excerpt yesterday Itapos;s crazy At the end, Rose sees Mason. MASON. You know, the guy who died for Rose? Yeah, that one. In the synopsis, it says that Rose develops powers to see ghosts or something. Amazing. Richelle Mead always has something up her sleeve.

Oh, and since I work close on Saturday, hopefully I�get to see KG? Yeah, thats what I�call him now. KG. Kenapos;s guy. Haha. Though his image has faded, I want to apos;rechargeapos; it, you know? Hopefully he is working. <3 Get my mind off things.


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Usually the dreams that I remember are really stressful.� They involve elaborate escapes, long-term chases, impossible predicaments, deaths of family members (including my cats), and generally tragic situations for my physical self and my relationships..� I often wake up and continue thinking with the same state of mind that I had while dreaming and have to either remember or figure out that the dream state facts are not real.� The sense of relief is frequently followed by shock at the actual content of my dreams.� Why do I have such disturbing dreams?� To calm myself, I have concluded that I tend to problem solve very difficult puzzles and situations in my dreams and leave it at that.

The other night I didnapos;t have a stressful dream.� I was simply in my car driving down Highway 54 toward Philpot, presumably to visit Edna and Jeff.� It was calm-- I was driving at or below the speed limit-- and I saw green everywhere:�green trees, bushes, and bright daylight.� When I woke up I felt a bit of panic. �I was stressed that I couldnapos;t be there, couldnapos;t visit, didnapos;t have that life anymore, and had quit my job to effect the change which caused my inability to repeat the scene.� For the first time, my dreaming and waking situations were reversed and instead of feeling relieved and disturbed upon waking, I just brushed the thought away and focused on the day ahead, another sort of problem solving.

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четверг, 16 октября 2008 г.

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We agreed how I wouldnapos;t be able to keep up this apos;every other dayapos; thing, didnapos;t we? No matter. Five days isnapos;t exactly the two years or so I didnapos;t update before...

Anywhoozles.

Second year classes are much more exciting than first year classes, I think. For example, in ENGL201, The Theory and Practise of Criticism (a complusary second year course for all English students which does exactly what it says on the tin), we had an interesting debate in the first seminar, spawned by some quotes by some dead guys. And a woman.

One of these quotes goes something like "To write poetry after Autschwitz is barbaric", by Mr Culture himself, Theodor Adorno. Itapos;s a pretty famous quote - Iapos;d heard it before, though I obviously didnapos;t get the significance of it back then seing as I didnapos;t remember it. Anyway, the beginning of the dicussion was pretty unremarkable, but then I said something like when anyone writes about these kinds of horrors, theyapos;re essentially profitting from them. Which, in my opinion, is rather fucked up. I mentioned how the tabloids caused an uproar when Mary Bell received a share of the profit with the woman who wrote her biography when it was published, yet, Hollywood makes a movie called "The World Trade Center" and whadyaknow, nobodyapos;s got issues with anything.

"But then youapos;re assuming that anyone who writes is doing it merely for the money," some girl said. Fair enough. But... Isnapos;t that what Hollywood is there for? I mean, the advance on a publishing deal is miniscule (they donapos;t call them apos;penniless writersapos; for nothing) - and anything else is down to luck with regards to book sales.

Hollywood, on the other hand, has money in both hands. Money in one hand to fund fund fund, then promote promote promote. Money in the other from where it collects - box office, DVDs, memorabilia. A couple million gross profit means nothing. That is a apos;disappointing returnapos;.

And who the fuck is the industry helping? Is it seeking to raise awareness and prevent further tragedies? I donapos;t doubt for a second that a portion of Hollywoodapos;s revenue goes to some kind of philanthropy, but on the whole, the only places I see or hear of money being thrown at are the kind of people who I can watch on VH1apos;s "The Fabulous Lives of the Rich and Famous", or whatever itapos;s called. Now thereapos;s a goal we can all aspire to: be kind to yourselves. Fuck the rest of the world. Liposuction and apos;pimped out cribsapos; are evidently more essential that you know, providing aid to victims of war. Or even getting the nationapos;s people out of poverty.

I didnapos;t say any of that in the seminar. Some guy struck me down with "oh, but if we donapos;t talk about these things then theyapos;d slip under the radar and be forgotton." He was much more eloquent and confident than that though. Solid in his opinions. I canapos;t remember exactly how he phrased it, but that was his point, more-or-less.

He had a little "youapos;re-fucking-unbelievable" snigger when I conceded and said, yeah I donapos;t doubt that these things need to be cast into history as important. Perhaps it was the way I said it - as if I was changing my opinion because no one agreed with me. Well I wasnapos;t, and I couldnapos;t give a flying fuck about whether other people agree with me or not.

But whatever. Either way, I can see these seminars becoming something I look forward to, despite all the abstract thinking or whatever, as it looks like theyapos;re going to concern the kind of things I think about. Whether or not theyapos;ll come to the same sort of conclusions as I do in my uneducated manner is another thing. All the same - Iapos;m stubborn, sure, but not so much that my standpoints refuse to change in spite of logic.

Our first lecture was on Structuralism - Sassaure and Barthes in particular. I loved it. Couldnapos;t quite understand its relation to studying literature, but I loved it all the same: "nothing is organic," the lecturer said, "we are only social constructs."

Amazing.

As the title suggest, I was going to do my writerapos;s journal thing. But Heroes is on so Iapos;ll do it later. I.E. Tomorrow. :D
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