dark shadows festival 2004

I finally talked to him yesterday. Got the answer I didnapos;t want, but needed to hear. I donapos;t exactly know what Iapos;m feeling currently, itapos;s a mixture of relief, bitterness, sadness, contentment and a smidge of anger. Also, a mild degree of pride for how far I pushed myself out of my standard behavior. I actually aggresively pursued this one, and followed through on my need to talk, both of which were recockulously difficult for me. Theyapos;ve also led to another new thing for me. Rejection. Iapos;ve never really experienced it in the relationship sense. Iapos;m not usually the aggressor and the few other times I have, they ended up working out. It also occurs to me that Iapos;veonly really ever rejected 1 person.

This is the point where I attempt to weather the oncoming monsoon of self-deprecation and loathing. The usual, "Iapos;ll never find anyone" "No one could ever like me" "Iapos;m an ugly boring person, why would anyone want to like me"...yeah, stupid shit.

But still, my depression is leaving me alone. I am very much decidedly happy about that at least, it feels nice to be sad about something in particular versus a general resentment of everything.

I still want to be friends with him, and I honestly am only very barely actually mad at him, and thatapos;s for something mostly unrelated.

This post has been all over the place, Iapos;m sorry that you sat through this clusterfuck of a pileup of about 50 derailed trains of thought.

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